Hello Everyone,
This is a long post I wanted to share about the day I finally realised I had social anxiety. As somebody who has always had depression and somebody who grew up 'shy', I never even thought that my problems were caused by social anxiety. The problem with mental health problems is most people who suffer don't just suffer with one, mental health problems cause further mental health problems and then usually physical problems too! The lines are so blurred and so many mental illnesses coincide and live together it's almost impossible to tear them apart. Maybe you're finding them impossible to tell apart too. So here's a little glimpse into my life in 2014, the year I finally realised I had social anxiety.
Always Being Zoe The Shy Girl...
Social Anxiety has been a big part of my life for the past 10 years. However, until 2014, I didn’t even realise that my problem had a name. Growing up as the shy child felt natural to me, I blamed every problem that I had on the fact that I was ‘shy’. I honestly thought that my severe fear of social situations and making phone calls would disappear as I slowly made my way into adulthood. Unfortunately though, my problems only got worse.
In 2014, I was a bright-eyed 19 year old about to wander into university halls for the first time. I knew my reserved nature and shyness would leave me struggling to make friends and do things but I thought by ‘throwing myself into it’ that I would naturally learn to cope with these situations. On my first week, every situation at university made my stomach sink ridiculous amounts. Finding somewhere to sit in the lecture hall, not even that social of a situation, left me feeling full of dread, what if I sat where someone else wanted to sit, what if I was in the way, what if the people there didn’t want me sitting near them. The thoughts were racing and constant. I wanted to disappear, I couldn't concentrate in my lectures because all my thoughts were about potential social interactions and making a fool of myself.
University Fears or Primary School Problems?
Waiting around in corridors, the fear of being late to lectures, not being able to make friends, the fear of sitting in the wrong place at lunch. These things are more fears you’d associate with primary school than university. I just didn’t think anything of it though, it was the way I’d always been through school, why would university be any different?
I didn’t make friends. I really tried and the people around me really tried to be my friend too - I just felt so uncomfortable, a lovely girl tried to introduce me to her friends, cook me tea and all sorts of kind stuff that I felt didn’t deserve, I also felt like their ‘friendship group’ was already well-established and I couldn’t feel comfortable being around them. I wanted to, I desperately wanted to and looking back I know they would have been happy to have me as their friend!
So I spent days and nights on my own. My 20th birthday, I sat in my room reading a magazine and crying about how lonely I was and how helpless I felt to do anything about it. I scrolled through Facebook, watching people go out, meet new friends, travel the world and meet people. Why hadn’t I grown out of being shy yet? Am I doomed to always be this way?
Realising I had a Problem
Even through all this, I didn’t really realise anything was wrong enough to have something be done about it. The time I realised something was seriously wrong was when we got our first University work placements, we had to call up the placement to say we were going to be coming. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t call them. Phone calls had always been my biggest fear and I’ve always been able to get out of making them, my mum has a similar voice to me, so she’s pretended to be me more times than I can count. I paced my room for a day trying to make the call. I felt sick, I cried, I considered running away and quitting university altogether, for the sake of a phone call.
In the end, I got my mum to do it. I called her up to tell her to call up for me, ironic. She made the call. Panic over.
My First Nursing Placement
On the morning of my first day, I woke up at 6am, brushed my hair, put on my uniform, looked like a golden bundle of joy despite feeling so sad and alone. I took cute pictures of myself in my uniform for my first day of being a student nurse out in the world. I was so excited. I left way over an hour earlier than I needed to for my placement, mostly due to the fear of being late or any negative social interaction.
As I got to the station though, I couldn’t find where I was going and my Social Anxiety prevented me from asking anybody for help. I ended up on a train to central London, as I’d managed to google on my phone a way I could get to the placement from there. I started to cry and cry but luckily I’d left so early that I’d be able to make it on time even though I’d taken this massive detour to London Bridge.
Fast forward to London Bridge, finding myself a seat on an empty train out of London. Finally starting to relax as I was going to make it. It was running 10 minutes late but that didn’t matter, I'd left so early that I even had time to allow for that, as long as I ran up the hill. However the train didn’t stop at my stop due to a last minute change and I ended up at the last stop in rural Kent. I really needed to call the placement to let them know I was going to be late, yet, I couldn’t. Again I couldn’t. This was so important and I couldn’t do it. I got my Mum to call again after ringing her over and over again even though she was at work and I felt like a failure as I arrived two hours late for my first day as a student nurse. I felt horrific. Truly awful, my life felt like it had hit a low point. The pictures of me a few hours earlier as a beaming student nurse with her anatomy colouring book never saw the light of social media. I was too ashamed.
Leaving University due to Social Anxiety…
I didn’t want to be a student nurse anymore. I couldn’t do the most basic tasks. I knew I wasn’t ready and I felt like I’d never be good enough to look after patients or to be part of a team. Unfortunately, university life just carried on like this for me and I ended up leaving university altogether. My next placement was complicated to call up and I couldn’t explain it to my Mum properly and so by the time my placement arrived I wasn’t sure if they were ‘expecting’ me at the hospital, so I just didn't turn up. I left university altogether and moved back home. My social anxiety was now not just stopping me making phone calls, I couldn’t even go anywhere.
Eventually it spiralled like this until by the end of that year, I spent all my time alone in my bedroom, I occasionally managed to go out with friends but only if they came to pick me up from my house first. Shopping was only possible in stores with self-service check outs. I wore a giant black hoodie every day for months. My whole life revolved around avoiding people.
I went to the doctor to talk about the depression I thought I had and how I felt about stuff. I did have depression because I couldn’t go out and do anything, I thought my life was stuck on hold. It was only then she asked about anxiety, I said I didn’t have anxiety but as I explained all the stuff about anxiety she said it sounded like I possibly did. She gave me a number to self-refer to CBT. I froze. I then proceeded to tell her how phone calls were my absolute biggest fear and that I couldn’t go anywhere that I needed to call up first. I started to cry and panic, my chest felt like it was knotting up and I couldn’t hear the doctor over the sound of my heartbeat. That’s the day I realised that maybe I did have social anxiety. Not only did I ‘maybe' have social anxiety but I might have a really severe case.
Luckily, that’s also the day it started to change for the better. The road was long, over a year from start to finish. To say it’s even finished now would be a lie. I’m getting there though, day by day.
